The "Masked Nutter"
by Sir Robin
Summary: Severus has finally cracked. We all knew he would. *Ah-hah!!! Two more chapters are up!*
1. The "Masked Nutter"

*Sorry. I was watching cartoons when I thought of this....*

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The "Masked Nutter" Strikes

Disclaimer: Yadda, yadda, yadda, I own nothing.

PS- Professor Snape

HP- Harry Potter

RW- Ron Weasly 

HG- Hermione Granger

DM- Draco Malfoy

SB- Sirius Black

RL- Remus Lupin

PM- Professor McGonagall

PD- Professor Dumbledore

*If there are more, I'll add them in a later chapter.*

Everybody is in the dining hall for breakfast; Lupin and Black are there because I say they are. Snape is missing.

DM- *walks up to the Gryffindor table* Pot-ass, where's Snape? I want him to deduct random points from you.

HP- Find him yourself.

DM- *huffs* You're lucky Crabbe and Goyle are on maternity-leave!*walks away*

The Gryffindors exchange confused/disgusted looks.

HG- Ewww....

And then there twas awkward silence.

RW- Anyway, like I was saying, for Divination I just said that I died and got resurrected continuously all week. Then for the star chart I just made a picture of a bunny and connected the ¾

*There is a sudden crash as the window above them breaks. Everybody looks up.* 

Standing in the window is Snape. He is dressed in flowing purple robes, a cape, and black boots. Across his face he painted a white line that stretches from cheek to cheek and across the brigde of his nose. He is holding a rapier in his right hand; on his left he is wearing a huge, cheap plastic ring(you can make this whatever color you think best...like pink or purple).

RL- What...the...HELL?!?

SB- Oh God, please not again....

PS- I am the terror that flaps in the night, I am the rotted food that is shoved in the back of your refrigerator. Let's get dangerous! 

*jumps from the window onto the head table, spilling stuff everywhere, and begins singing.* Stand and deliver! Your money or your life! *Stops and talks again* Hand over your lupins, or we shall put our rings together and create Captain Planet!

A long silence follows.

PM- Severus, have you had your medication yet?

PS- Minerva! Ugh- that's _quite_ a personal question, don't you think?

PM- Severus, you need your medication. You haven't taken it, have you?

PS- Of course not, I don't need it anymore!

PM- Yeah, right. Prove it.

PS- Minerva, that's _embarrassing! I don't need it!_

PM- Yes you do!

PS- NO, REALLY! I've learned how to do it _without_ the viagra! *A loud "ewww!" is heard from everybody*

PM- Um-ew-ah-NO. I meant your ¾ the _orange_ pills! For your "little problem."

PS- I take pills for that?

PM- *Slaps her forehead* LOOK, Severus, I will go over this ONE MORE TIME with you: You are NOT Darkwing Duck! You are NOT Adam Ant! You are NOT Dennis Moore! And you are NOT a _Planeteer!_

PS- *eyes begin to water* NOOOOOO! That's not TRUE! NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! *he takes his rapier and cuts a large "Z" into one of the curtains then runs out of the room with his head down*

Everybody starts eating again, secretly fearing the next attack of the "Masked Nutter."


	2. The "Masked Nutter" Strikes

*Eee hehehe!! Another one! Yes they are psychotically short but there's gonna be a lot of them. They're multiplying like mad!!!*

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The "Masked Nutter" Strikes Again OR Harry Takes A Whizzle In His Pants

Disclaimer: Once again, I own NOTHING.

Severus Snape had not been seen for days. Potions had been called off until he was found and "corrected."

HP- Man, I'm tired!

RW- Dude, I want some of those new candies!

HP- Huh?

RW- Gender-changing jellies!

HP- You want implants?!?

RW- NO! At Hogsmeade! If I would _accidentally_ give one to Fred or George or both, they would be female for 24 hours!

HP- Um, they might enjoy that too much...anyway, goodnight.

RW- 'night.

They fall asleep.

PS- *whispering* Yes, another helpless victim....*he hops silently through the window and hides behind a dresser, then takes out two cell phones. One he places on the dresser, the other he takes and hides under Harry's bed. He then dials the other phone.*

*RING*

HP- Uh-huh? Whuh? *puts on his glasses and answers the phone, confused* 'Allo?

PS- Hellloooo, Clarice....

HP- *almost drops the phone* Who is this? What do you want?!

PS- I know what you did last summer...

HP- What? Okay, what's going on?

PS- I know where you are...do you know where _I _am?

HP- *looks around the room* _Damn._ You didn't leave your feet sticking out like in that movie I saw...look, what do you want?

PS- *cackles* Watch out Potter, I see your every move...*hangs up*

HP- Oh man, another person has me on their hit list! *puts the phone down shakily and tries to go to sleep*

*NEXT MORNING AT BREAKFAST*

RW- Dude, why are you all nervous and shaky?

HP- Somebody's trying to kill me again.

RW- Oh, nothing new then.

They eat food.

PS- *sneaks in wearing his pretty outfit and silently slithers up behind Potter. He kneels down right next to his ear. Somehow, nobody notices this* Hellllloooooo Clarice....

HP- AAAAAHHHHH!!! *he jumps up onto the table. A few seconds later a large, yellow puddle is forming around his feet*

PS- The Masked Nutter strikes again! Muh hahahahaha!! Hark, I must yet save Maid Marion! *he quickly pulls a pair of green tights onto the top of his head and runs out*

DM- Hee hee hee...that was great...

And so everyone continues to eat, except for the Gryffindor table, and waits in slight confusion for the next appearance of the "Masked Nutter." 


	3. The "Masked Nutter" Adds Yet More Person...

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The "Masked Nutter" Adds Yet More Personalities To Himself

Disclaimer: Me and my personalities own NOTHING.

F&G- Fred and George

It is the day of the Quidditch match between Slytherin and Gryffindor. Professor Snape is still missing. The game begins and not much is happening.

PS- *over the crowd on a broom using the voice-magnifier thingy spell* Well, hello everyone! *suddenly he zooms into the middle of the game, which suddenly halts* Now quiet! Another word and I'll blast Zorak! 

*He is wearing the same outfit as before, except now he also has the ray-gun cuffs around his wrists that Spaceghost wears. He also, for some reason, is wearing a Star Trek badge*

PS- Yes, now the universe is mine! So don't try to take me down fool! Momma's boy! I have won it over using my giant "laser." I call it the "Allan Parsons Project." And I am the champion, my friends! I will rock you! You're dead, Jim!

Harry, who has been watching Snape is suddenly knocked out by a bludger.

PM- SEVERUS! Get over here! NOW!

PS- No!

PM- NOW!

PS- Make me!

PM- Don't make me come over there!

PS- You can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man _and_ the Muffin Man! *Snape turns on his broom and rides off into the night...day...yes*

PD- Don't panic! Harry did not make an imprint in the Quidditch field grass when he fell! *a large sigh of relief is heard from the stands* Oh, yeah, and Slytherin wins. *a roar is heard from the Slytherins*

DM- Thank you Masked Nutter, thank you! Well, there's only one way to celebrate and that's by doing the Time Warp! *the Time Warp kicks in and we see the whole school dancing in unison* 

F&G- Bring out the Veelas!!!

A group of Veelas fly in and hover in the middle of the field doing the Time Warp.

And so the school waits in great anticipation for the next visit from the "Masked Nutter."


	4. The "Masked Nutter" Once Again Makes Har...

"The Masked Nutter" Once Again Makes Harry Feel His Wrath.

Disclaimer: I don' own nuttin of dis.

Harry slowly entered the dining hall and sat down. He still had a very large lump on his head where the bludger had hit.

RW- Harry! Are you alright? Sit down!

*Harry sits down.*

HG- Harry! How are you? Did you feel a lot of pain?

HP- Hermione, have you ever had your skull re-grown with skele-grow?

HG- No, why?

HP- Ugh, never mind....

*Draco suddenly comes walking up*

DM- Pot-ass! You're back! And just in time! *he takes out his wand and points it at himself* _Parachutio_! *he is suddenly wearing very baggy parachute pants. He points his wand again* _Crappious songio_! *Suddenly "Can't Touch This" kicks in and Draco starts to do the "Can't Touch This" dance*

RW- Uhhhh....Malfoy? What are you smoking?

DM- Nothing! *continues to dance*

RW- Okay, what are you _sniffing?_

DM- None of your business! *keeps dancing, then, finally, fifteen minutes later, he finishes*

HG- You're a dumbass.

DM- Better than being a smartass.

HG- Excuse me?

DM- You're excused.

HG- Ugh- you know what...

DM- No, not personally.

HG- Stop it!

DM- No!

HG- Alright, what do you WANT?!

DM- I need a hug! *begins sniffling. A large "Awww" is heard*

HG- Go 'head Ron!

RW- Wha- NO! You Harry!

HP- _I'm_ not hugging _him_!

PM- Oh, for God's sake! Would somebody _PLEASE _give Mr. Malfoy a hug?! *Suddenly the door is kicked open*

PS- Trojan Man! I'll save you! *he runs over and hugs Malfoy*

PM- Thank you! Now, Severus, about this problem of yours¾

PS- Not now, Minerva! Harry, I've brought you something...*hands Harry a bowl of chocolate pudding*

HP-* takes it* For me? Why, thank you! I'm touched!

PS- I made it _all by myself_...

HP- Great! *takes a spoonful and shoves it into his mouth. He gives a horrified look and swallows* This tastes like shit! Wait...you _made_ it _all by yourself_?!?!

PS- *begins cackling*

HP- Oh-My-God....I just ate¾ *keels over and begins vomiting*

PM- SNAPE!

PS- Tah-tah! *jumps out the window and runs away*

And so everyone watches Harry lurch and waits in hopes that something this great happens next time.


	5. The "Masked Nutter" Plays The Carillon

The "Masked Nutter" Plays The Carillon

(a.k.a A Tribute To Frank DellaPenna)

Disclaimer: I...DON'T...OWN...ANYTHING!!!!

*Two weeks later*

Everybody is in the Slytherin Common room. I don't know why, it's just convenient.

HP- Hey, Ron, wanna play Exploding Schnapp?

RW- Exploding _Schnapp_?

HP- Yeah. It's a drinking game Fred and George made up. 

RW- Oh. Sure. 

HP- Me Too. 

RW- Huh? 

HP- I asked if you wanted to play, and I did too...But we don't have any Schnapps.

RW- Oh. Bummer.

HG- Um, Guys? Did you notice anything different about this room?

HP- Hmmm...Besides the fact that we are never in this room....No. What?

HG- Oh, just the humongous Carillon sitting in the corner.

RW- A what?

HG- A Carillon. A medieval bell instrument. You can't possibly miss it. It's shiny and weighs about four tons.

HP- *looking around the room* Oh- THAT! Wow , that's cool.

RW- I wonder what it's for?

* as if that was a cue (which it is), the Masked Nutter jumps through the window and lands sitting at the Carillon's bench*

PS- Almost 25 years ago I had made a wish. Not a normal wish, but one so-

PM- Alright...what's your point?!?

PS- Muh hahahahaah! *faces the carillon and VERY SLOWLY attempts to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Everyone cringes*

HP- He sounds _horrible_!

HG- Yes, I can tell, Harry!

PM-Severus, STOP IT!! 

PS- *stops playing with a jarring note* Yes? What's the matter? My Carillon playing not GOOD enough for you?

PM- Severus, it's HORRIBLE!!!

PS- It...it is? 

PM- YES! Look, Severus, I shall do this ONE MORE TIME! You are NOT Darkwing Duck! You are NOT Adam Ant! You are NOT Dennis Moore! You are NOT Captain Planet! You are NOT the Spanish Inquisition! You are NOT Zorro! You are NOT Hannibal Lector! You are NOT Robin Hood! You are NOT Space Ghost! You are NOT Mr. T! You are NOT Dr. McCoy! You are NOT Freddie Mercury! You are neither the Gingerbread Man OR the Muffin Man! You are NOT Trojan Man and you are DEFINITELY NOT  Frank DellaPenna! NOW GO TAKE YOUR MEDICATION!!!

PS- okay.....*eats an orange pill*

PD- Well, now what?

*suddenly a figure wearing all black enters*

PS- _Frank DellaPenna?!?_

FD- Yes. Now, let the pro show you how it's done. *sits down at the Carillon and pulls on his mask* Do I have any requests?

HG- Carol of the Bells!

PS- The Box!

DM- Rock the Casbah!

FD- Rock the Casbah? Well, there's a first time for everything...*begins playing "Rock the Casbah" on the Carillon- which ends up sounding pretty damn cool*

And so this adventure is made even better with the help of Frank DellaPenna- the musician with a cool instrument, a cool wardrobe, and a cool last name. Thank you, Frank, you make the world a better place. 


End file.
